Dawn of the Almost Dead

Top 10 lists are the “rage” of the internet. Everyone is writing them and everyone is reading them. Everyone must love’em. So, after hours of pounding on our nicotine soaked keyboard, we present you with the DotAD TOP TEN list on how to make a top ten list!

In Letterman style:

10. Pick a topic, any topic as long as it involves sex, movie stars, porn, sex, alcohol, porn stars, the Beatles, sex, or global warming — its better if you can incorporate some or all of the listed topics.

9. Make sure you have exactly ten items in your list. Sorry, no repeats or it won’t count. Some top ten list readers can actually count; I know it seems incredible, but trust me, at least 10% of them can count to ten.

8. Be controversial. Say things that are incredible and people will either A. Eat the shit up with a spoon (90%) and tell all of their Bubba friends to read your top ten list, or B. Become outraged and tell their friend to read your top ten list.

7. Somehow, work Anna Nicole Smith and Danielynn into the list.

6. Be sure to offend some religious group too. God knows they have tremendous networks and will shoot your list like a rocket ship right to the daytime news networks.

5. Post your list in the correct place. For liberal slanted lists, the best place is MySpace — liberals only read MySpace; if they read it at all. Most of them just seem fascinated by the spinning little flowers and sparkly “I heart you” messages. For right wingers, post your list on a neo-nazi site or blog and it will spread like melted butter out of Dick Cheney’s ass cheeks.

4. Stay on target with your list topic(s). I know right brainers can easily wander around, but you’ll lose the left brainers if you wander to much.

3. Blame. Blame your mother, your father, Bush, fossil fuels, Fabreeze, Hostess Twinkies, sex education, tobacco, “da man”, anyone or anything. Just blame something on someone or something.

2. Remember, internet geeks really love computer related top ten lists. You know Shit like “Top ten reasons why Linux will dominate the desktop in 2008″, or “Top ten things Bill Gates dreams about when he sleeps”, or some shit like that. (Note: Post those geek lists on DIGG and the nerds will masturbate all over their keyboards.)

1. Keep writing top ten lists. Statistics show that 1 out of 10 top ten lists make some sort of impact on the internet. Set a goal for yourself: “I want my top ten list to be the top ten piece of shit “SPAM chain mail” in every mother f’rs inbox in the world!”

Now you have the best tools available to you to write that POC (Piece Of Crap) or POS (Piece Of Shit) that every intellegent person in the world will look at and say, “What a douche.”