Global warming? Climate change?

February 6, 2014 at 1:39 pm (News)

OK, whatever you want to call it, fine. I call it weather and the earth has been doing weather a lot longer than we have been around.

Yes, the weather/climate is changing. Surprised? Well don’t be, it has always changed and will continue to long after we are no longer a living organism on this space rock. A lot of things have contributed to climate change over the last several million years from earthquakes, volcanos and meteorites strikes – shockingly these things are out of our control.

Now, the audacity to think that a bunch of little pea brained monkeys running around on the surface of the earth can change the climate is ridiculous at best. I say that before we tackle something so large as “global climate” we start with something smaller like a tornado. If we cannot stop or prevent a tornado, what makes us think that we can change the temperature of a planet? So you say, “what a stupid idea.  You can’t stop a tornado, it’s nature.” – so why is changing the climate easier?

I guess we could destroy ourselves and most of the living creatures with a global nuclear war; but guess what, earth would still exist and eventually recover once the wound of our stupidity has healed. Yes, a wound.  That is pretty much all man is capable of doing to earth, wound it. Digging giant holes in it’s surface to mine it and millions of years later a future visitor might not even notice our scar.

If you want to know what is driving the idea that we can change the earths climate, just do what wise men have always said to do, “follow the money.”

Now, settle down. The earth is not going to explode because we are driving a car to work. We have to live and much of our current energy technologies have much less impact on our planet than if the current population was still burning wood and charcoal to heat and cook with.

We have time to migrate from fossil based fuels to cleaner and safer technologies; however, “reasonable” alternatives not available. I’m positive in the next 20-30 years we will have solutions. Energy storage is the biggest hurdle and the second issue is clean, cheap, efficient generation of electricity.

Take a pill and chill and don’t panic. Do what is reasonable to make this planet a better place. Don’t fucking litter, fight the packaging industries insane use of crap wrapped around their products, don’t dump your pills and other garbage in the toilet, reduce your use of pesticides on the lawn, etc… there are thousands of little things you and I can do to make this rock a better place without filling some “Eco Nut Jobs” pockets with your money.  Just remember that anytime someone tries to “scare” you, they have an ulterior motive – there motive is to make money from air. What’s next?  A sun tax? Perhaps… I did use a lot of the sun today and it was free, at least for now.


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Fart a lot? Naturally gassy or just have a lot of shit stained undies? Try NEW Fartbreze!

November 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm (bizarre, Fake News) (, , , )

Spray NEW Fartbreze in your shorts or panties and fight flatulence all day long — up to 12 hours of protection, depending on the volume of gas your ass produces.

No more embarrassing elevator rides, because Fartbreze activates the second that shitty fart hits the fabric with its smell fighting coating of active anti-fart molecules. Want proof? I’m farting right now and you don’t smell a thing do you?

No more candles burning in your office, cans of air fresher that turn your farts into Christmas tree shits or incense that smells like patchouli dog turds.

It’s simple, effective and as easy to use as a deodorant spay — a couple spritzes in your skid marked skivvies and you’re ready to go gas up the world.

(Available only at your local Dollar Stores.)

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Mayo Bandit Caught Bonerniva Cum Bucket at Local Library Drop Box

June 15, 2010 at 3:15 pm (Fake News, News)

Gloria Butch Cassidy was captured after dumping a gallon of Bonerniva generated sperm in the local book drop off in Castro, MO.  ‘Butch’ was wanted in several other dumpings around the city, including a monstrous 55 gallon barrel of Bonerniva jizz into the local Soup & Salad’s cottage cheese bin.

When asked why, by police, Butch simply said she loved to give things Mayo Showers.

Apparently, the drum of jizz was stolen from the local catholic churches rectrumry. Father O’Toolebox stated that “although the jizz was only a couple days worth, it was still a meaningful part of the churches plans for their pancake supper since it can be used to churn jiz butter.”

In a side note, father O’Toolbox said that because of the shortage of Bonerniva, they will be forced to use Wondercum, which is likely to take several weeks to produce the same quantity as Bonerniva was providing.  Start whacking Toolbox.

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Wendy’s yanks kids CD from it’s crappy meals.

June 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News)

Wendy’s executives quickly pulled a CD from their kids crappy meal packs because someone complained about the lyrics of certain songs.  How someone could complain about lyrics like Peter Gunz’ “Niggers in the Bronx call me Lex cause I push a Lex, and I rock a Rolex and I lounge on Lex’, and I love sex” and Cam’Ron’s “Sometime y’all get crimey crimey, grimy grimy But those with a tiny hiney they get whiny whiny” is beyond comprehension.  Who daa tank da r?  Whitey is nothin don ya kno.

Wendy’s executives will be releasing a more appropriate CD in the coming week.  Songs like Prodigy’s “It’s like fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell the blood of a jealous ass punk.”  Much more kid friendly exec’s stated.  Who doesn’t like Jackhoff and the BeanPole lyrics?

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Guypons by Tampax — it’s for a guy when he is experiencing that delicate time of the month.

June 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)

Well, it’s bound to happen fellas.  Thanks to all the hairless douche bags that women seem to find irresistible, hair is out and manscaping is in.  Thus new products can be introduced to the consumer (that’s us), that take full advantage of what is new (just like all the Ipod thingies you spend your money on.)

So, you’re shaving your little coin purse so that perchance some hot little number might get to see your sack of marbles. When what do you do?  You cut your pebble purse . . .  Yeeouuuu mother f’er.  Needless to say, if you never experienced a sliced grocery bag, it bleeds like Rod Stewart’s asshole after a concert in the Castro District.

Introducing NEW Guypons from Tampax! Nuts won’t stop bleeding after the shitty Bic razor sliced a major nardery?  Don’t stay home eating a gallon of ice cream while setting on a pile of Charmin, insert a Guypon into your crotch and go play golf, get lap dances, strut your bulge around the mall and impress the teenage girls (until security turns you over to the local authorities.)

So remember our slogan:  Cut a Nut, Shove this Up Near Your Butt!

It is also scented so when your having a bad taint day, it does double duty.  Now, go out and enjoy the world you bleeding bag of nuts!

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Wal*Mart Greeters Will Kick Your Ass

June 1, 2010 at 6:55 pm (bizarre, Fake News)

WT FUCK is with Wal*Mart security?  Cameras in the parking lots, ceilings, dressing rooms, bathrooms, floors, electrical outlets, your anus… security RFID tags, you name it, they got it.  BUT, what is the last line of defense in the fortress of Chinese technology?  That old guy/gal standing at the door waiting to tackle the first asshole making a run for the doors with two blu-ray players tucked under his arms like Jim Brown pulling double duty.

Sam Walton doesn’t like kicking ass, but piss him off and you’ll be eating Wal*Mart tarmac.

Paul Washington thought he could juke Walton as he ran from the store carrying two 24 packs of Schlitz Malt Liquor.  Walton jumped Washington from behind and rode him like an old mule all the way to his El Camino, where Paul Washington pulled a quick mule stop, throwing the aging greeter to the ground.  Suspect Washington, then pummeled the greeter with the smooth drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor cases.  Washington would have gotten away, but his tank was siphoned dry in the parking lot by a coyote and his band of merry Mexicans as they headed north.

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WTFuck is it with Radio Shack and their goddamn batteries?

April 23, 2010 at 1:11 pm (Blogroll, News)

Radio Shack used to be the nerds haven for all the crap that we used to purchase to make robots, electronic dice, speaker and dancing light controllers, etc.  Now, the only fucking thing they seem to want to do is sell you their fucking batteries!

I go into a local Radio Shit store (sorry, you’re earning that title) to find a replacement DSL modem power adapter and/or a new DSL modem for my brother.  Simple request right?  Either you have it or you don’t or know how to fix it.  As soon as we determine they do not have what we need, they start pushing us to buy some batteries all the way to the front door — literally chasing us down like some power starved battery junkies that really need a fix.

Radio Shit — listen:  I/We don’t need your stinking batteries.  Fuck, I can buy batteries at 7-11 so what the fuck makes yours so special?  Your price is not any lower and if I really need a battery fix, I’ll purchase the hundred pack at Costco for half what you charge.  Stop turning your sales people into Alkaline Juice Pushers and let them do what they do best, being nerds that help nerds.

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Discovery channels Mythbusters forum in one word: SUCKS

March 23, 2010 at 3:46 pm (Blogroll, News)

As much as I enjoy our Mythbusters show, Adam, and Jamie, their forum for people to post suggested myths is the worst forum on the internet.  The forum software they are using, Social Strata, looks like a high school computer calls cobbled it together on a summer school project.  Yet, that is not the worst of it, it’s fan based nimrods that troll the site are the most obnoxious ASSHOLES on the planet.

If you want to have some fun, just post a message and wait a day for the little trolls to come out and start belittling the poster.  No answers, no HI Welcome to the site, no information, just a bunch of dweebs setting in their moms basement masturbating to Kid Rock videos, eating Twinkies, and trolling posters to tell them they’re stupid.

It’s such a shame that Discovery allows such ASSHOLES to taint the reputation of Adam and Jamie’s show by not banning the ASSWIPES.

Mythbusters, I love ya, ASSHOLE FORUM FUCKERS, I hate ya and you can suck my ass.

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Steak-umm Yum Yum Gag Gag Puke

January 24, 2010 at 10:12 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News, Odd) (, , , , , , )

Steakumm good.

Love the latest Steakumm commercial –The scene shows a family of four gathered around a nice dinner table in a standard plastic American kitchen the announcer proudly states “Finally!  We can tell the neighbors we’re having steak tonight!”

Sure fella, tell the neighbors your having steak, when they really know it’s slaughter house floor scrapings smashed into a demon paste and flattened between the ass cheeks of a Bolivian mud wrestler.

For a truly horrible experience with wall splattering diarrhea, try to find Steakumm Hotpockets. It’s like capturing lighting in a toilet bowl.

NOTE: Steakumm contains no carbohydrates!  Yes, that is right zero carbs and 100% fat!

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Wired magazine can stuff their surveys in my Christmas turkey’s ass.

December 7, 2009 at 8:45 pm (Blogroll, News) (, , , )

I subscribe to Wired magazine for several years now.  When I first signed up (several years ago), I opted in the email notices (fool I am).   After some emails that were ether borderline spam and some that were almost news, I started getting emails to take an important survey that would help them decide on “some big changes”.  Great!  They asked ME for some feedback — love the magazine and would be happy to help in a small way.  So, click and into survey — what’s your email address?  How old are you?  Male/female?  State?  etc.  then “click”.     “Sorry, you don’t match our demographic for this survey.  Thank You!

What!  That was sweet, don’t even blow me a kiss ya pricks!

So, I unsubscribe to emails “CLICK”

Well, now a few years later and I’ve forgotten, stupidly when renewing my subscription I clicked the “email news letters” option — fool that I am AGAIN.

Today, I get the email from Wired to ME asking for my help in shaping the new front page of Wired Magazine — hot fucking fantastic.

You know the routine — click, click, to the curb you low life piece of turd sandwich — not even a whole turd sandwich, just a piece.

Unsubscribe “CLICK!!!!!!!!”

Listen you marketing assholes that do these fucking surveys.  If you’re looking for a certain “DEMOGRAPHIC”, then state the “DEMOGRAPHIC” before someone clicks on your stupid little “project”.    Otherwise, I can only assume this is a backhanded way of collecting “DEMOGRAPHIC” information based on email accounts — you know you little shits, so you can sell it to other companies.  FUCK your SURVEYS Wired Magazine!  That’s you Conde’ Nast…

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