Dick Cheney President for a Day — Well Three Hours Anyway — What did he Do?

July 21, 2007 at 2:13 pm (Fake News)


Did this Dick Cheney,

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Actually play with his dogs in his backyard for three hours as news reports stated? We think not. Dicks body double — yes Saddam had them too — filled in for him during the three hours.

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Curley ‘Joe’ Cheney was the chosen double during his whirlwind spin as president. So what did this ‘Risky Business’ VP do as the P?

Signed a pack with the devil, killed and ate two little children, participated in a dog fight with Michel Vick, shot JFK — Again, attempted an assassination of Fidel Castro, had menage-a-trois with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, masturbated on the oval office presidential seal, and danced naked in a gay porno theater.

Oh Dick, you crack me up more than Tom Cruise and your taller too.

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Top Ten Reasons to Just Go Ahead and Off Yourself

July 17, 2007 at 3:27 pm (Fake News)


  1. Global warming — we are all going to burn in this hell we call earth.
  2. Oil Prices — big oil will never let the price of gasoline fall below $3.00 a gallon again; it will only go up from here on, and their collusion with government and auto manufacturers are guaranteed to keep the little man in their control for many years to come.
  3. Iraq and the war on terror. We will never win minds with bullets, yet they will control our minds with terror. Give it up, you know we have lost it already. Get out your turbans and start memorizing the Koran now.
  4. Cancer. Everything we do causes it. It will get everyone eventually, and after over 100 years of looking for a cure, the best we can do is to almost kill you anyway with chemo ‘therapy’.
  5. Health care or lack there of. There is money in dying and health care companies save millions. Even more if you just off yourself; don’t worry about insurance companies, they have plenty and most will find an out from paying your loved ones anyway.
  6. Nukes. Everyone has them now, US, Russia, India, Israel, N. Korea, Europe, even terrorists. Would you rather die a horrible death from radiation burns or of your own choosing?
  7. Killer Bees. You know they halfway through the United States and your state is next.
  8. Pandemic Bird Flu. We are due, or so the experts say. With jet travel making it so easy to circle the globe, disease will spread like wildfire now.
  9. Pharmaceutical companies. Almost not one day goes by without them inventing a new disease/illness that only their little expensive pill will cure, provided you have health insurance and they will cover you for it — not likely though.
  10. Reality TV. You know the world has gone completely insane when shows like ‘are you smarter than a 5th grader’, ‘dancing with the stars’, ‘age of love’, and ‘big brother 8’ are top rated entertainment shows. What’s next, celebrity MahJong?

OK, if I’ve not convinced you with the above to off yourself, well there is no hope for you then. Get in your pickup truck, drive to the qwiky mart, get your smokes, and 12 pack of Busch Lite and park yourself in front of the TV for a slow death as you watch Keanue Reeves in the new Fox hit show ‘Who wants to be a fading star?’

Seriously, life is precious, and by most religions, you’re only given one. Use it to do some good in the world and that does not mean by blowing yourself up for your god because someone tells you it’s what god wants you to do. If god wanted people to explode, he would have given us all built in timers and electrical outlets.

Ignore 80% of the list above and you’ll be perfectly happy in your life. Worry more about how your family is doing, then some bee that is hunting you down and going to murder you. Come to think of it, ignore the news; just watch the weather, it has more of an impact on your day tomorrow than any of the above threats.

Cheers!

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Bonerniva® Shoot-out with WonderCum®

July 14, 2007 at 11:42 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Bonerniva® won the cum shoot-out with WonderCum® today in an amazing blast of gooey glory! Unlike Bonerniva®, WonderCum® ONLY provides a boost in fluid level, and no increase in your schlong size.

Bonerniva® produces up to a 50% increase in length and girth of your peckerwood, as well as a 48-60 hour non-stop boner. And as if that was not enough already, we know that if your going to be hammering your partner for hours on end, that you need all the sloppy joe juice you can muster to hose your victim down. Bonerniva® has been shown to increase seminal discharge by up to 1,000% !

We are not talking about squirt gun dribbles

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we are talking about super soaker drenchings.

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You know, enough shooters foam that firemen will seek you out for high rise building fires.

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Bonerniva® is only available in hardware stores. Remember, wink at the clerk when asking for “erection tool kits”, they’ll know what you mean.

Remember, “If it’s not a Bonerniva® boner, it’s not a boner!”

WARNING: If your Boner last for more than two weeks, contact the Guinness Book of World Records, you’re a winner dude!

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Thank you Star Registry!

July 4, 2007 at 10:06 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Oh what a wonderful thing the Star Registry brings to our lives. This was the topper to my birthday, getting a star named for me, and only me. Mianus; see it’s right at the tip of this arrow. Can you see it?

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I now declare Mianus a sovereign planet and all current inhabitants as illegal aliens and are ordered to get off Mianus now or suffer the consequences. Mianus is not be taken lightly and Mianus will not take anymore beatings at the hands of rude, crude, and obnoxious interlopers.

Now, I must go and wipe the turds off of Mianus forever. Long live Mianus!

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