Mayo Bandit Caught Bonerniva Cum Bucket at Local Library Drop Box

June 15, 2010 at 3:15 pm (Fake News, News)

Gloria Butch Cassidy was captured after dumping a gallon of Bonerniva generated sperm in the local book drop off in Castro, MO.  ‘Butch’ was wanted in several other dumpings around the city, including a monstrous 55 gallon barrel of Bonerniva jizz into the local Soup & Salad’s cottage cheese bin.

When asked why, by police, Butch simply said she loved to give things Mayo Showers.

Apparently, the drum of jizz was stolen from the local catholic churches rectrumry. Father O’Toolebox stated that “although the jizz was only a couple days worth, it was still a meaningful part of the churches plans for their pancake supper since it can be used to churn jiz butter.”

In a side note, father O’Toolbox said that because of the shortage of Bonerniva, they will be forced to use Wondercum, which is likely to take several weeks to produce the same quantity as Bonerniva was providing.  Start whacking Toolbox.


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Wendy’s yanks kids CD from it’s crappy meals.

June 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News)

Wendy’s executives quickly pulled a CD from their kids crappy meal packs because someone complained about the lyrics of certain songs.  How someone could complain about lyrics like Peter Gunz’ “Niggers in the Bronx call me Lex cause I push a Lex, and I rock a Rolex and I lounge on Lex’, and I love sex” and Cam’Ron’s “Sometime y’all get crimey crimey, grimy grimy But those with a tiny hiney they get whiny whiny” is beyond comprehension.  Who daa tank da r?  Whitey is nothin don ya kno.

Wendy’s executives will be releasing a more appropriate CD in the coming week.  Songs like Prodigy’s “It’s like fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell the blood of a jealous ass punk.”  Much more kid friendly exec’s stated.  Who doesn’t like Jackhoff and the BeanPole lyrics?

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Guypons by Tampax — it’s for a guy when he is experiencing that delicate time of the month.

June 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)

Well, it’s bound to happen fellas.  Thanks to all the hairless douche bags that women seem to find irresistible, hair is out and manscaping is in.  Thus new products can be introduced to the consumer (that’s us), that take full advantage of what is new (just like all the Ipod thingies you spend your money on.)

So, you’re shaving your little coin purse so that perchance some hot little number might get to see your sack of marbles. When what do you do?  You cut your pebble purse . . .  Yeeouuuu mother f’er.  Needless to say, if you never experienced a sliced grocery bag, it bleeds like Rod Stewart’s asshole after a concert in the Castro District.

Introducing NEW Guypons from Tampax! Nuts won’t stop bleeding after the shitty Bic razor sliced a major nardery?  Don’t stay home eating a gallon of ice cream while setting on a pile of Charmin, insert a Guypon into your crotch and go play golf, get lap dances, strut your bulge around the mall and impress the teenage girls (until security turns you over to the local authorities.)

So remember our slogan:  Cut a Nut, Shove this Up Near Your Butt!

It is also scented so when your having a bad taint day, it does double duty.  Now, go out and enjoy the world you bleeding bag of nuts!

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Wal*Mart Greeters Will Kick Your Ass

June 1, 2010 at 6:55 pm (bizarre, Fake News)

WT FUCK is with Wal*Mart security?  Cameras in the parking lots, ceilings, dressing rooms, bathrooms, floors, electrical outlets, your anus… security RFID tags, you name it, they got it.  BUT, what is the last line of defense in the fortress of Chinese technology?  That old guy/gal standing at the door waiting to tackle the first asshole making a run for the doors with two blu-ray players tucked under his arms like Jim Brown pulling double duty.

Sam Walton doesn’t like kicking ass, but piss him off and you’ll be eating Wal*Mart tarmac.

Paul Washington thought he could juke Walton as he ran from the store carrying two 24 packs of Schlitz Malt Liquor.  Walton jumped Washington from behind and rode him like an old mule all the way to his El Camino, where Paul Washington pulled a quick mule stop, throwing the aging greeter to the ground.  Suspect Washington, then pummeled the greeter with the smooth drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor cases.  Washington would have gotten away, but his tank was siphoned dry in the parking lot by a coyote and his band of merry Mexicans as they headed north.

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