Fart a lot? Naturally gassy or just have a lot of shit stained undies? Try NEW Fartbreze!

November 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm (bizarre, Fake News) (, , , )

Spray NEW Fartbreze in your shorts or panties and fight flatulence all day long — up to 12 hours of protection, depending on the volume of gas your ass produces.

No more embarrassing elevator rides, because Fartbreze activates the second that shitty fart hits the fabric with its smell fighting coating of active anti-fart molecules. Want proof? I’m farting right now and you don’t smell a thing do you?

No more candles burning in your office, cans of air fresher that turn your farts into Christmas tree shits or incense that smells like patchouli dog turds.

It’s simple, effective and as easy to use as a deodorant spay — a couple spritzes in your skid marked skivvies and you’re ready to go gas up the world.

(Available only at your local Dollar Stores.)


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Wendy’s yanks kids CD from it’s crappy meals.

June 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News)

Wendy’s executives quickly pulled a CD from their kids crappy meal packs because someone complained about the lyrics of certain songs.  How someone could complain about lyrics like Peter Gunz’ “Niggers in the Bronx call me Lex cause I push a Lex, and I rock a Rolex and I lounge on Lex’, and I love sex” and Cam’Ron’s “Sometime y’all get crimey crimey, grimy grimy But those with a tiny hiney they get whiny whiny” is beyond comprehension.  Who daa tank da r?  Whitey is nothin don ya kno.

Wendy’s executives will be releasing a more appropriate CD in the coming week.  Songs like Prodigy’s “It’s like fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell the blood of a jealous ass punk.”  Much more kid friendly exec’s stated.  Who doesn’t like Jackhoff and the BeanPole lyrics?

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Guypons by Tampax — it’s for a guy when he is experiencing that delicate time of the month.

June 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)

Well, it’s bound to happen fellas.  Thanks to all the hairless douche bags that women seem to find irresistible, hair is out and manscaping is in.  Thus new products can be introduced to the consumer (that’s us), that take full advantage of what is new (just like all the Ipod thingies you spend your money on.)

So, you’re shaving your little coin purse so that perchance some hot little number might get to see your sack of marbles. When what do you do?  You cut your pebble purse . . .  Yeeouuuu mother f’er.  Needless to say, if you never experienced a sliced grocery bag, it bleeds like Rod Stewart’s asshole after a concert in the Castro District.

Introducing NEW Guypons from Tampax! Nuts won’t stop bleeding after the shitty Bic razor sliced a major nardery?  Don’t stay home eating a gallon of ice cream while setting on a pile of Charmin, insert a Guypon into your crotch and go play golf, get lap dances, strut your bulge around the mall and impress the teenage girls (until security turns you over to the local authorities.)

So remember our slogan:  Cut a Nut, Shove this Up Near Your Butt!

It is also scented so when your having a bad taint day, it does double duty.  Now, go out and enjoy the world you bleeding bag of nuts!

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Wal*Mart Greeters Will Kick Your Ass

June 1, 2010 at 6:55 pm (bizarre, Fake News)

WT FUCK is with Wal*Mart security?  Cameras in the parking lots, ceilings, dressing rooms, bathrooms, floors, electrical outlets, your anus… security RFID tags, you name it, they got it.  BUT, what is the last line of defense in the fortress of Chinese technology?  That old guy/gal standing at the door waiting to tackle the first asshole making a run for the doors with two blu-ray players tucked under his arms like Jim Brown pulling double duty.

Sam Walton doesn’t like kicking ass, but piss him off and you’ll be eating Wal*Mart tarmac.

Paul Washington thought he could juke Walton as he ran from the store carrying two 24 packs of Schlitz Malt Liquor.  Walton jumped Washington from behind and rode him like an old mule all the way to his El Camino, where Paul Washington pulled a quick mule stop, throwing the aging greeter to the ground.  Suspect Washington, then pummeled the greeter with the smooth drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor cases.  Washington would have gotten away, but his tank was siphoned dry in the parking lot by a coyote and his band of merry Mexicans as they headed north.

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Steak-umm Yum Yum Gag Gag Puke

January 24, 2010 at 10:12 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News, Odd) (, , , , , , )

Steakumm good.

Love the latest Steakumm commercial –The scene shows a family of four gathered around a nice dinner table in a standard plastic American kitchen the announcer proudly states “Finally!  We can tell the neighbors we’re having steak tonight!”

Sure fella, tell the neighbors your having steak, when they really know it’s slaughter house floor scrapings smashed into a demon paste and flattened between the ass cheeks of a Bolivian mud wrestler.

For a truly horrible experience with wall splattering diarrhea, try to find Steakumm Hotpockets. It’s like capturing lighting in a toilet bowl.

NOTE: Steakumm contains no carbohydrates!  Yes, that is right zero carbs and 100% fat!

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Pat Sajack killed in game show accident.

November 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News)

Melvin Coollotts beat and killed Pat Sajack today.  Melvin was a recent contestant on WOF and made a complete ass of himself by repeatedly saying “What is a vowel?”  Confused Melvin also kept trying to pick the category of “19th Century Art”.

Looking like a complete fucktard on national TV, Pat Sajack give him his best fake “sorry”, and sent him packing with a copy of the home game.  (Don’t get us started on what a real piece of shit that board game is.)

Melvin was heard to say “That’s fucking great Alex Trebek!  You weren’t even there and you’re giving me homework!”

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Why is Cheryl Crow and Tree Huggers So Enamored with our Butts?

March 17, 2009 at 2:17 pm (bizarre, News, Odd)


It seems like hardly a week goes by that some tree screaming douche bag is all wrapped up over our asses.  They have this unnatural attraction to the human anus that they can’t help but dwell on what comes out of our asses and how we “clean” ourselves.  Apparently, they would prefer Americans to go back a couple hundred years and start wiping with our left hand again.  (For those unfortunate enough to eat at the Crow house, be sure and bring your own silverware and plates, hand cleanser, and ask for everything to be “WELL-DONE!”

Cheryl likes to use one “tissue” per shit and thinks the rest of the world should do the same. A roll of Charmin must last a year at her house!

Now, another group is advocating we return to our roots, well diaper roots anyway.


These wipes are designed for kids asses, but others fruitcakes are saying adults should use them also.  Just one wipe, toss in the washer with your fine delicates and Sunday best and washy washy the crap away.

Just like my mouth, I don’t want someone telling me what goes in it, nor to I want some paper hoarding pimp mama to tell me how to take care of what comes out my butt hole.  If you’re that concerned, come by sometime and I’ll take a dump in your car trunk so you can haul it away for composting or whatever the fuck you do with it — I really don’t give a shit (pun intended).

“Let My Anus Go!”

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Today With Kathy Lee

March 1, 2009 at 12:45 am (bizarre, Fake News)

Co-Host of the Today show, Kathy Lee Gifford, said her first words today.  Cody, Cody, Cody.

Then stripped her bra off, breast fed 18 year old Cody and forgot to put her bra back on before returning to the Today Show set.   The the sound guy yelled, “Hey Kathy, your tits are still dripping Cody drool.”  Cody kicked the sound guys ass to the ground.  “No one says shit about my mom tits.  I love her tits.  Especially since I don’t have to share them with Frank anymore.”


Kathy (Fat Ass, Bone Knees, East/West Tits) Lee

Oh Kathy, the best part of you left when you drove Frank to seek out all those hookers… just give your man a blow job everyonce in awhile and you won’t lose him to some crack ho.

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Why Cheryl Hines needs to stop posing nude.

January 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)

Yes, Cheryl is losing all self respect for her normally hot little bod and continues to chow down on the Larry David Valentine and Halloween candy.  I just wish she would hold off on the nude posing until she drops a few tons.


I know some of you will say this is a “photoshop’ed” image.  To those of you that do, I don’t own PS, so FU!

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Celine Dion Scats Till She Drops

December 28, 2008 at 9:47 pm (bizarre, Fake News)

Today, the worlds worst scat singer, Celine Dion, broke out in a scat that rocked the world.  For hours she scatted, annoying men, women, and children for miles around the Burppy Sunshine and Caterwauler Jones Theater complex in Branson, Missouri.

Celine (‘Old Bone Chest’ as she is also known)  is proud of the fact that Scatman Crothers called her an abomination to the world of scatting and hoped that she would die someday while scatting on the shitter and flush her soul into the abyse known as the Canadian National Cesspool — an appropriate way to off herself.


Lucy ‘Juicy Ruth’ Cameltoe found this piece of Celine scat while backpacking in Canada, the home of the scat dropping Dion.  Shit was the word she used to describe Celine’s scat droppings.


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