Fart a lot? Naturally gassy or just have a lot of shit stained undies? Try NEW Fartbreze!

November 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm (bizarre, Fake News) (, , , )


Spray NEW Fartbreze in your shorts or panties and fight flatulence all day long — up to 12 hours of protection, depending on the volume of gas your ass produces.

No more embarrassing elevator rides, because Fartbreze activates the second that shitty fart hits the fabric with its smell fighting coating of active anti-fart molecules. Want proof? I’m farting right now and you don’t smell a thing do you?

No more candles burning in your office, cans of air fresher that turn your farts into Christmas tree shits or incense that smells like patchouli dog turds.

It’s simple, effective and as easy to use as a deodorant spay — a couple spritzes in your skid marked skivvies and you’re ready to go gas up the world.

(Available only at your local Dollar Stores.)

Advertisements

Permalink Leave a Comment

Mayo Bandit Caught Bonerniva Cum Bucket at Local Library Drop Box

June 15, 2010 at 3:15 pm (Fake News, News)


Gloria Butch Cassidy was captured after dumping a gallon of Bonerniva generated sperm in the local book drop off in Castro, MO.  ‘Butch’ was wanted in several other dumpings around the city, including a monstrous 55 gallon barrel of Bonerniva jizz into the local Soup & Salad’s cottage cheese bin.

When asked why, by police, Butch simply said she loved to give things Mayo Showers.

Apparently, the drum of jizz was stolen from the local catholic churches rectrumry. Father O’Toolebox stated that “although the jizz was only a couple days worth, it was still a meaningful part of the churches plans for their pancake supper since it can be used to churn jiz butter.”

In a side note, father O’Toolbox said that because of the shortage of Bonerniva, they will be forced to use Wondercum, which is likely to take several weeks to produce the same quantity as Bonerniva was providing.  Start whacking Toolbox.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Wendy’s yanks kids CD from it’s crappy meals.

June 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News)


Wendy’s executives quickly pulled a CD from their kids crappy meal packs because someone complained about the lyrics of certain songs.  How someone could complain about lyrics like Peter Gunz’ “Niggers in the Bronx call me Lex cause I push a Lex, and I rock a Rolex and I lounge on Lex’, and I love sex” and Cam’Ron’s “Sometime y’all get crimey crimey, grimy grimy But those with a tiny hiney they get whiny whiny” is beyond comprehension.  Who daa tank da r?  Whitey is nothin don ya kno.

Wendy’s executives will be releasing a more appropriate CD in the coming week.  Songs like Prodigy’s “It’s like fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell the blood of a jealous ass punk.”  Much more kid friendly exec’s stated.  Who doesn’t like Jackhoff and the BeanPole lyrics?


Permalink Leave a Comment

Guypons by Tampax — it’s for a guy when he is experiencing that delicate time of the month.

June 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Well, it’s bound to happen fellas.  Thanks to all the hairless douche bags that women seem to find irresistible, hair is out and manscaping is in.  Thus new products can be introduced to the consumer (that’s us), that take full advantage of what is new (just like all the Ipod thingies you spend your money on.)

So, you’re shaving your little coin purse so that perchance some hot little number might get to see your sack of marbles. When what do you do?  You cut your pebble purse . . .  Yeeouuuu mother f’er.  Needless to say, if you never experienced a sliced grocery bag, it bleeds like Rod Stewart’s asshole after a concert in the Castro District.

Introducing NEW Guypons from Tampax! Nuts won’t stop bleeding after the shitty Bic razor sliced a major nardery?  Don’t stay home eating a gallon of ice cream while setting on a pile of Charmin, insert a Guypon into your crotch and go play golf, get lap dances, strut your bulge around the mall and impress the teenage girls (until security turns you over to the local authorities.)

So remember our slogan:  Cut a Nut, Shove this Up Near Your Butt!

It is also scented so when your having a bad taint day, it does double duty.  Now, go out and enjoy the world you bleeding bag of nuts!

Permalink Leave a Comment

Wal*Mart Greeters Will Kick Your Ass

June 1, 2010 at 6:55 pm (bizarre, Fake News)


WT FUCK is with Wal*Mart security?  Cameras in the parking lots, ceilings, dressing rooms, bathrooms, floors, electrical outlets, your anus… security RFID tags, you name it, they got it.  BUT, what is the last line of defense in the fortress of Chinese technology?  That old guy/gal standing at the door waiting to tackle the first asshole making a run for the doors with two blu-ray players tucked under his arms like Jim Brown pulling double duty.

Sam Walton doesn’t like kicking ass, but piss him off and you’ll be eating Wal*Mart tarmac.

Paul Washington thought he could juke Walton as he ran from the store carrying two 24 packs of Schlitz Malt Liquor.  Walton jumped Washington from behind and rode him like an old mule all the way to his El Camino, where Paul Washington pulled a quick mule stop, throwing the aging greeter to the ground.  Suspect Washington, then pummeled the greeter with the smooth drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor cases.  Washington would have gotten away, but his tank was siphoned dry in the parking lot by a coyote and his band of merry Mexicans as they headed north.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Steak-umm Yum Yum Gag Gag Puke

January 24, 2010 at 10:12 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News, Odd) (, , , , , , )


Steakumm good.

Love the latest Steakumm commercial –The scene shows a family of four gathered around a nice dinner table in a standard plastic American kitchen the announcer proudly states “Finally!  We can tell the neighbors we’re having steak tonight!”

Sure fella, tell the neighbors your having steak, when they really know it’s slaughter house floor scrapings smashed into a demon paste and flattened between the ass cheeks of a Bolivian mud wrestler.

For a truly horrible experience with wall splattering diarrhea, try to find Steakumm Hotpockets. It’s like capturing lighting in a toilet bowl.

NOTE: Steakumm contains no carbohydrates!  Yes, that is right zero carbs and 100% fat!

Permalink Leave a Comment

Pat Sajack killed in game show accident.

November 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News)


Melvin Coollotts beat and killed Pat Sajack today.  Melvin was a recent contestant on WOF and made a complete ass of himself by repeatedly saying “What is a vowel?”  Confused Melvin also kept trying to pick the category of “19th Century Art”.

Looking like a complete fucktard on national TV, Pat Sajack give him his best fake “sorry”, and sent him packing with a copy of the home game.  (Don’t get us started on what a real piece of shit that board game is.)

Melvin was heard to say “That’s fucking great Alex Trebek!  You weren’t even there and you’re giving me homework!”

Permalink Leave a Comment

Today With Kathy Lee

March 1, 2009 at 12:45 am (bizarre, Fake News)


Co-Host of the Today show, Kathy Lee Gifford, said her first words today.  Cody, Cody, Cody.

Then stripped her bra off, breast fed 18 year old Cody and forgot to put her bra back on before returning to the Today Show set.   The the sound guy yelled, “Hey Kathy, your tits are still dripping Cody drool.”  Cody kicked the sound guys ass to the ground.  “No one says shit about my mom tits.  I love her tits.  Especially since I don’t have to share them with Frank anymore.”

kathielee-2

Kathy (Fat Ass, Bone Knees, East/West Tits) Lee

Oh Kathy, the best part of you left when you drove Frank to seek out all those hookers… just give your man a blow job everyonce in awhile and you won’t lose him to some crack ho.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Why Cheryl Hines needs to stop posing nude.

January 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Yes, Cheryl is losing all self respect for her normally hot little bod and continues to chow down on the Larry David Valentine and Halloween candy.  I just wish she would hold off on the nude posing until she drops a few tons.

cheryl_hines_nude

I know some of you will say this is a “photoshop’ed” image.  To those of you that do, I don’t own PS, so FU!

Permalink 1 Comment

Why vegans love meat.

January 9, 2009 at 2:53 pm (Fake News)


Yes, vegans love meat.  Not the kind of juicy, flavorful, mouthwatering chunks of succulent beef and pork that we love, but the kind that has only artificial flavors added to a soy crapfest of meat look-a-likes called shit on a plate.

Vegan Meat Like Shit

Vegan Meat Like Shit

What the fuck vegans?  You hate meat and meat eaters, yet you yearn for you veggies to look like the very meat that disgusts you?

Veggie bacon is like a meat lover eating an steak shapped to look like apple peelings — that’s not going to happen.  If you want to eat meatless shit, try a horse pile, it’s all organic and probably tastes better than this factory made plant scrapings.

So why do vegans love meat (or more like the appearance of their starving lifestyle) too look like meat?  Because they are to embarrassed to admit to a society built on triple Whoppers and Hardee’s Thickburgers that they don’t love meat.

So, they shovel in this over processed crap and feel good about themselves while thinking they are fooling everyone around them as the wolf down that Boca burger thinking all the while, is this really not beef?  Why does it have gristle?  God Damn you Boca, did you have to replicate the gristle in my burger too!

Vegan Beef Strokin Off

Vegan Beef Strokin-Off.  The worst cuts of real beef added to the recipe would be better than this pile of vegetable scrapings.  Seriously vegans, you’d eat this shit?  Really, it looks like an unflushed toilet at Denny’s.
Corn Dogs?

Corn Dogs? You've got to be shitting me, right? Corn dogs for vegans? Holy shit what side of the bed did the meat hating goth like maggot encrusted vegans get up on, to dream of making this product? This has to be a vegan's worst nightmare to turn what is basically animal bits into a vegetable version? Maybe it's made from the scraps left over from all the vegan bacon, sausage, hamburgers, and shit on a stick -- that would make some sense.

ngs.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Next page »