Guypons by Tampax — it’s for a guy when he is experiencing that delicate time of the month.

June 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Well, it’s bound to happen fellas.  Thanks to all the hairless douche bags that women seem to find irresistible, hair is out and manscaping is in.  Thus new products can be introduced to the consumer (that’s us), that take full advantage of what is new (just like all the Ipod thingies you spend your money on.)

So, you’re shaving your little coin purse so that perchance some hot little number might get to see your sack of marbles. When what do you do?  You cut your pebble purse . . .  Yeeouuuu mother f’er.  Needless to say, if you never experienced a sliced grocery bag, it bleeds like Rod Stewart’s asshole after a concert in the Castro District.

Introducing NEW Guypons from Tampax! Nuts won’t stop bleeding after the shitty Bic razor sliced a major nardery?  Don’t stay home eating a gallon of ice cream while setting on a pile of Charmin, insert a Guypon into your crotch and go play golf, get lap dances, strut your bulge around the mall and impress the teenage girls (until security turns you over to the local authorities.)

So remember our slogan:  Cut a Nut, Shove this Up Near Your Butt!

It is also scented so when your having a bad taint day, it does double duty.  Now, go out and enjoy the world you bleeding bag of nuts!

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Steak-umm Yum Yum Gag Gag Puke

January 24, 2010 at 10:12 pm (bizarre, Fake News, News, Odd) (, , , , , , )


Steakumm good.

Love the latest Steakumm commercial –The scene shows a family of four gathered around a nice dinner table in a standard plastic American kitchen the announcer proudly states “Finally!  We can tell the neighbors we’re having steak tonight!”

Sure fella, tell the neighbors your having steak, when they really know it’s slaughter house floor scrapings smashed into a demon paste and flattened between the ass cheeks of a Bolivian mud wrestler.

For a truly horrible experience with wall splattering diarrhea, try to find Steakumm Hotpockets. It’s like capturing lighting in a toilet bowl.

NOTE: Steakumm contains no carbohydrates!  Yes, that is right zero carbs and 100% fat!

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Why is Cheryl Crow and Tree Huggers So Enamored with our Butts?

March 17, 2009 at 2:17 pm (bizarre, News, Odd)


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It seems like hardly a week goes by that some tree screaming douche bag is all wrapped up over our asses.  They have this unnatural attraction to the human anus that they can’t help but dwell on what comes out of our asses and how we “clean” ourselves.  Apparently, they would prefer Americans to go back a couple hundred years and start wiping with our left hand again.  (For those unfortunate enough to eat at the Crow house, be sure and bring your own silverware and plates, hand cleanser, and ask for everything to be “WELL-DONE!”

Cheryl likes to use one “tissue” per shit and thinks the rest of the world should do the same. A roll of Charmin must last a year at her house!

Now, another group is advocating we return to our roots, well diaper roots anyway.

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These wipes are designed for kids asses, but others fruitcakes are saying adults should use them also.  Just one wipe, toss in the washer with your fine delicates and Sunday best and washy washy the crap away.

Just like my mouth, I don’t want someone telling me what goes in it, nor to I want some paper hoarding pimp mama to tell me how to take care of what comes out my butt hole.  If you’re that concerned, come by sometime and I’ll take a dump in your car trunk so you can haul it away for composting or whatever the fuck you do with it — I really don’t give a shit (pun intended).

“Let My Anus Go!”

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Why Cheryl Hines needs to stop posing nude.

January 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Yes, Cheryl is losing all self respect for her normally hot little bod and continues to chow down on the Larry David Valentine and Halloween candy.  I just wish she would hold off on the nude posing until she drops a few tons.

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I know some of you will say this is a “photoshop’ed” image.  To those of you that do, I don’t own PS, so FU!

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Basketball Reaches New Highs in North Dakota

October 8, 2008 at 8:57 pm (Fake News, Odd)


Mr. Johnstons 2nd grade illiteracy class received a basketball goal from the local “Aryans for Education” group.  Installation was a breeze, and the Aryans simply followed the directions outline in the Chinglish instructions.

The modification to the instructions was implemented to reduce the ability of those “black” people from being able to dominate the game.  Third grader, Jamal Jackson, said, “what the fuck!”

Peter, Jason, and Kary Burgerhoff pose with the new additon to the “Adolf Elementary” school playground.

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Apple’s Steve Jobs does it again — the iTurd

January 22, 2008 at 11:15 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Thousands of iFans lined up for the unveiling of Steve Jobs new iTurd!

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It took awhile for the six bowls of Shredded Wheat to move the dried up turd out of Job’s ass, but it finally came with a ‘kirplunk’ into the golden Apple iToilet. Fans shrieked out when the splash was heard over the massive speaker system connected to his ass. Some cheered, while others wept as the tension of when it would cut loose resulted in a huge emotional release — many of them also shit their pants in unison with Steve.

Laid out on a beige carpet square to accent the beautiful color scheme of Job’s iTurd, the crowd oooh’d and aaah’d as it sparkled in the golden sunshine.

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Technical specifications of the iTurd  will have every fanboy clambering to get one:

  • Solid one piece construction — Apple Quality.
  • All recycled materials.
  • Small and dainty to fit into tiny hands — Apple fanboys have little hands; seriously, look at them next time.
  • Includes one high quality iRubberGlove — for shoving the iTurd up your ass.
  • Weight is only 3 oz’s — fits most fanboy asses, however, some large asses may need the iWedge to fill excess gaps.
  • No batteries required — it’s only good for one-time use anyway.

Suggested retail price: $599.99

What are you waiting for? Shove this iTurd up your ass today iFans.

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My Erectile Failure

November 28, 2007 at 11:06 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Apparently, from the flood of emails I’ve received lately, the word is out about my penile dysfunction. Yes they know, somehow they know; I wish I knew who told every piece of shit in the world that my former brick dick

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No longer sends shivers of “oh my god, how can I possibly take that huge monster? through women any more.

Now I have offers from every scumbag in the entire world overflowing my inbox with offers of GIGANTIC weapons of mass vagina destruction. Dong’s so big that Dirk Diggler would shit his pants if he saw it.

Now, one question before I purchase my new sword of doom; ladies do you really want a watermelon dick or do you prefer a dill pickle?

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National Bugger Picking Day – Friday 11/30/07

November 27, 2007 at 6:20 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


This Friday is National Bugger Picking day (NBPD), so do your part, like these upstanding citizens, by digging deep for the cause.  Be sure to dispose of your your Buggers in a manner that does not impact the environment, such as placing them on your bugger wall or saving them in a jar for toppings on someone’s salad (recycle).ralph.jpg

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Bonerniva® Shoot-out with WonderCum®

July 14, 2007 at 11:42 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Bonerniva® won the cum shoot-out with WonderCum® today in an amazing blast of gooey glory! Unlike Bonerniva®, WonderCum® ONLY provides a boost in fluid level, and no increase in your schlong size.

Bonerniva® produces up to a 50% increase in length and girth of your peckerwood, as well as a 48-60 hour non-stop boner. And as if that was not enough already, we know that if your going to be hammering your partner for hours on end, that you need all the sloppy joe juice you can muster to hose your victim down. Bonerniva® has been shown to increase seminal discharge by up to 1,000% !

We are not talking about squirt gun dribbles

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we are talking about super soaker drenchings.

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You know, enough shooters foam that firemen will seek you out for high rise building fires.

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Bonerniva® is only available in hardware stores. Remember, wink at the clerk when asking for “erection tool kits”, they’ll know what you mean.

Remember, “If it’s not a Bonerniva® boner, it’s not a boner!”

WARNING: If your Boner last for more than two weeks, contact the Guinness Book of World Records, you’re a winner dude!

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Thank you Star Registry!

July 4, 2007 at 10:06 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Oh what a wonderful thing the Star Registry brings to our lives. This was the topper to my birthday, getting a star named for me, and only me. Mianus; see it’s right at the tip of this arrow. Can you see it?

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I now declare Mianus a sovereign planet and all current inhabitants as illegal aliens and are ordered to get off Mianus now or suffer the consequences. Mianus is not be taken lightly and Mianus will not take anymore beatings at the hands of rude, crude, and obnoxious interlopers.

Now, I must go and wipe the turds off of Mianus forever. Long live Mianus!

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