Pat Sajack killed in game show accident.

November 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm (bizarre, Fake News)


Melvin Coollotts beat and killed Pat Sajack today.  Melvin was a recent contestant on WOF and made a complete ass of himself by repeatedly saying “What is a vowel?”  Confused Melvin also kept trying to pick the category of “19th Century Art”.

Looking like a complete fucktard on national TV, Pat Sajack give him his best fake “sorry”, and sent him packing with a copy of the home game.  (Don’t get us started on what a real piece of shit that board game is.)

Melvin was heard to say “That’s fucking great Alex Trebek!  You weren’t even there and you’re giving me homework!”

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Why is Cheryl Crow and Tree Huggers So Enamored with our Butts?

March 17, 2009 at 2:17 pm (bizarre, News, Odd)


cheryl-crow

It seems like hardly a week goes by that some tree screaming douche bag is all wrapped up over our asses.  They have this unnatural attraction to the human anus that they can’t help but dwell on what comes out of our asses and how we “clean” ourselves.  Apparently, they would prefer Americans to go back a couple hundred years and start wiping with our left hand again.  (For those unfortunate enough to eat at the Crow house, be sure and bring your own silverware and plates, hand cleanser, and ask for everything to be “WELL-DONE!”

Cheryl likes to use one “tissue” per shit and thinks the rest of the world should do the same. A roll of Charmin must last a year at her house!

Now, another group is advocating we return to our roots, well diaper roots anyway.

butttoiletwipes

These wipes are designed for kids asses, but others fruitcakes are saying adults should use them also.  Just one wipe, toss in the washer with your fine delicates and Sunday best and washy washy the crap away.

Just like my mouth, I don’t want someone telling me what goes in it, nor to I want some paper hoarding pimp mama to tell me how to take care of what comes out my butt hole.  If you’re that concerned, come by sometime and I’ll take a dump in your car trunk so you can haul it away for composting or whatever the fuck you do with it — I really don’t give a shit (pun intended).

“Let My Anus Go!”

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Today With Kathy Lee

March 1, 2009 at 12:45 am (bizarre, Fake News)


Co-Host of the Today show, Kathy Lee Gifford, said her first words today.  Cody, Cody, Cody.

Then stripped her bra off, breast fed 18 year old Cody and forgot to put her bra back on before returning to the Today Show set.   The the sound guy yelled, “Hey Kathy, your tits are still dripping Cody drool.”  Cody kicked the sound guys ass to the ground.  “No one says shit about my mom tits.  I love her tits.  Especially since I don’t have to share them with Frank anymore.”

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Kathy (Fat Ass, Bone Knees, East/West Tits) Lee

Oh Kathy, the best part of you left when you drove Frank to seek out all those hookers… just give your man a blow job everyonce in awhile and you won’t lose him to some crack ho.

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Why Cheryl Hines needs to stop posing nude.

January 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Yes, Cheryl is losing all self respect for her normally hot little bod and continues to chow down on the Larry David Valentine and Halloween candy.  I just wish she would hold off on the nude posing until she drops a few tons.

cheryl_hines_nude

I know some of you will say this is a “photoshop’ed” image.  To those of you that do, I don’t own PS, so FU!

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Why vegans love meat.

January 9, 2009 at 2:53 pm (Fake News)


Yes, vegans love meat.  Not the kind of juicy, flavorful, mouthwatering chunks of succulent beef and pork that we love, but the kind that has only artificial flavors added to a soy crapfest of meat look-a-likes called shit on a plate.

Vegan Meat Like Shit

Vegan Meat Like Shit

What the fuck vegans?  You hate meat and meat eaters, yet you yearn for you veggies to look like the very meat that disgusts you?

Veggie bacon is like a meat lover eating an steak shapped to look like apple peelings — that’s not going to happen.  If you want to eat meatless shit, try a horse pile, it’s all organic and probably tastes better than this factory made plant scrapings.

So why do vegans love meat (or more like the appearance of their starving lifestyle) too look like meat?  Because they are to embarrassed to admit to a society built on triple Whoppers and Hardee’s Thickburgers that they don’t love meat.

So, they shovel in this over processed crap and feel good about themselves while thinking they are fooling everyone around them as the wolf down that Boca burger thinking all the while, is this really not beef?  Why does it have gristle?  God Damn you Boca, did you have to replicate the gristle in my burger too!

Vegan Beef Strokin Off

Vegan Beef Strokin-Off.  The worst cuts of real beef added to the recipe would be better than this pile of vegetable scrapings.  Seriously vegans, you’d eat this shit?  Really, it looks like an unflushed toilet at Denny’s.
Corn Dogs?

Corn Dogs? You've got to be shitting me, right? Corn dogs for vegans? Holy shit what side of the bed did the meat hating goth like maggot encrusted vegans get up on, to dream of making this product? This has to be a vegan's worst nightmare to turn what is basically animal bits into a vegetable version? Maybe it's made from the scraps left over from all the vegan bacon, sausage, hamburgers, and shit on a stick -- that would make some sense.

ngs.

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Celine Dion Scats Till She Drops

December 28, 2008 at 9:47 pm (bizarre, Fake News)


Today, the worlds worst scat singer, Celine Dion, broke out in a scat that rocked the world.  For hours she scatted, annoying men, women, and children for miles around the Burppy Sunshine and Caterwauler Jones Theater complex in Branson, Missouri.

Celine (‘Old Bone Chest’ as she is also known)  is proud of the fact that Scatman Crothers called her an abomination to the world of scatting and hoped that she would die someday while scatting on the shitter and flush her soul into the abyse known as the Canadian National Cesspool — an appropriate way to off herself.

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Lucy ‘Juicy Ruth’ Cameltoe found this piece of Celine scat while backpacking in Canada, the home of the scat dropping Dion.  Shit was the word she used to describe Celine’s scat droppings.

celine_dion-edible-scat1

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The Great Cow Chop Mystery

December 13, 2008 at 9:59 pm (Fake News, News)


porkchopsPork Chops, lamb chops, WTF happened to all the cow chops?  In butcher shops all over the world, a conspiracy has been brewing.  Butchers have been hoarding all of the cow chops from the public for years.  Think about it.  Have you ever seen or heard of cow chops?

What are they doing with all of them?  Where are they storing them?  Investigators from the F BI have been researching this case for the last three years, and so far, they are clueless as to the whereabouts of the chops.

I do have a hot tip for them, check Oprah’s closet meat locker — that bitch is getting FAT on cow chops!

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Mrs. Butterworth Foundation Raises Funding for Breast Enlargement

December 13, 2008 at 1:37 am (bizarre, Fake News)


butterworths

Today the Mrs. Butterworth Foundation announced they have reached the $10,000 goal that will allow the plump Butterworth to finally get the tits that will match her lard ass.  For a fat woman, she has been troubled her entire life by the fact that she is relatively flat chested; unlike her mother, Mrs. Titsworth, a full triple D cup of man munching melons of bodacious fat.

No longer will the Mrs. Butterworth have to hide her head in shame and she will be able to sport her new tits around town with a redesigned bottle image of the big breasted wonder.

Mr. Buttersworth is happy as a squirel shitting a magic peanut that he can finally titty fuck his wife.   That is fine with us Mr. B, just make sure the cap is closed on her head so we don’t get any “extra” cream in our syrup.

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Basketball Reaches New Highs in North Dakota

October 8, 2008 at 8:57 pm (Fake News, Odd)


Mr. Johnstons 2nd grade illiteracy class received a basketball goal from the local “Aryans for Education” group.  Installation was a breeze, and the Aryans simply followed the directions outline in the Chinglish instructions.

The modification to the instructions was implemented to reduce the ability of those “black” people from being able to dominate the game.  Third grader, Jamal Jackson, said, “what the fuck!”

Peter, Jason, and Kary Burgerhoff pose with the new additon to the “Adolf Elementary” school playground.

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Apple’s Steve Jobs does it again — the iTurd

January 22, 2008 at 11:15 pm (bizarre, Fake News, Odd)


Thousands of iFans lined up for the unveiling of Steve Jobs new iTurd!

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It took awhile for the six bowls of Shredded Wheat to move the dried up turd out of Job’s ass, but it finally came with a ‘kirplunk’ into the golden Apple iToilet. Fans shrieked out when the splash was heard over the massive speaker system connected to his ass. Some cheered, while others wept as the tension of when it would cut loose resulted in a huge emotional release — many of them also shit their pants in unison with Steve.

Laid out on a beige carpet square to accent the beautiful color scheme of Job’s iTurd, the crowd oooh’d and aaah’d as it sparkled in the golden sunshine.

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Technical specifications of the iTurd  will have every fanboy clambering to get one:

  • Solid one piece construction — Apple Quality.
  • All recycled materials.
  • Small and dainty to fit into tiny hands — Apple fanboys have little hands; seriously, look at them next time.
  • Includes one high quality iRubberGlove — for shoving the iTurd up your ass.
  • Weight is only 3 oz’s — fits most fanboy asses, however, some large asses may need the iWedge to fill excess gaps.
  • No batteries required — it’s only good for one-time use anyway.

Suggested retail price: $599.99

What are you waiting for? Shove this iTurd up your ass today iFans.

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